God Broke My Heart

Faith is messy. Religion tries to convince us that everything can fit on some sort of ‘holy spreadsheet’ and that the math is pretty straight-forward. The logic goes like this: if you pray enough, or serve enough, then you climb the rungs of ‘prayers that can now be answered.’ As you ascend higher and higher, your elite status is confirmed and you can now expect that God will become your cosmic butler, catering to your every whim because you’ve paid the price in religious duty and piety. Now, most of us would never articulate it that way, but I have found that behavior confirms belief way more than words do. The problem is many of us ACT as if that is the way it works even when we would never SAY that’s the way it works. Religion of every kind (including the religious expression of Christianity) eventually shows itself as a sort of witchcraft… an effort to manipulate and control the spiritual powers around us. This is why we must remember that we are not called by God to religion, we are called to an intimate relationship with Him. That is what Jesus came to enable, and that is what God originally intended in the Garden of Eden. However, relationships are much more challenging to navigate than religion… (Click Here To Read My Post ‘Relationships Aren’t Efficient)

Part of My Heartbreaking Story

In 2003 Tamsey and I stepped out in faith and resigned our jobs with nothing lined up next because we felt God had called us to trust Him that He would lead us to the next thing He had for us. I had a lot of expectations and preferences lumped in with that decision that God didn’t tell me to have, but I assumed would be great guidelines for Him to follow so that our ‘act of faith’ would look courageous and holy instead of silly and ignorant. I took a relational decision that God had invited us to in our prayer time with Him and tried to turn it into a religious demonstration of how to be a really good Christian… and God didn’t play along. He seldom does since He has no desire to validate our religious striving. He wanted me to listen and wait and walk with Him… and He often takes the back roads. I was prepped for the interstate road trip, complete with Ray Bans and Don Henley songs. One week after we resigned we found out we were pregnant with our first child, Ella Catherine. What started as a sweet step of faith had now become a crisis of feeling stupid and fear of being seen as not being financially wise and/or overly zealous in our pursuit of God. It was challenging. What I thought would be a 30-day journey ended up being nearly a year-long ultra marathon. God taught us so much through that year. He was so kind and patient with us. So, I decided to narrow down my expectations to one simple thing. Doesn’t that seem like a really generous thing to do?

We had sold our home and were living with my wife’s parents at the time. I resolved that the one thing I needed from God in this season, after letting go of all my other hopes and expectations was that God would give us our own place to live by the time our daughter was born. That’s it. It seemed fair after giving up so much that God could do just this one thing for me… and God broke my heart.

Little Ella was born in Fairhope, AL, and after a couple days in the hospital we drove across the Mobile Bay bridge back to my in-law’s house. I was grateful for a healthy baby girl. I was grateful that my wife was healthy and strong. And my heart was obliterated with every bump in the pavement on that bridge as we drove ‘home’. I had asked for one thing. And the answer was no. (Click Here To Read My Post on not letting Disappointment Dis-Appoint You)

Broken Heart but Answered Prayer

Maybe you’ve been there before? Maybe God broke your heart. You prayed, you fasted, you had encouraging words shared with you, and you didn’t get the job, or the house foreclosed or (you fill in the blank). Broken Heart. As I have often said (and I’m sure I heard it from somewhere else) we have a tendency to place a period where God is drawing a comma. Don’t close the chapter on the story. There’s more to it than you know, there was in my case. I didn’t know that God would call us to move to North Carolina and that we would move there (here) to start a church just 5 weeks after Ella was born. If God had given us our own home we wouldn’t have been able to move. We would have just signed a lease or just bought a house and would have been hindered by that decision. In truth, there’s never just ONE thing we are asking God for. Yes, I wanted a house of my own to bring my daughter to, but God knew my GREATER desire has always been to be where He wants to me to be. I had lost sight of that and developed tunnel-vision on this ONE THING I was asking for. God broke my heart, but He answered my prayer. He’s doing the same for you if you will watch and see.

What do you do when God breaks your heart? You keep your eyes fixed on Him, knowing that He sees the end from the beginning and is writing a beautiful story through the context of your relationship with Him and not as a religious display of how to look successful in every circumstance. The cross doesn’t look successful, but it saves the whole world. God has a greater purpose in mind and He is allowing you to be a part of that as you trust Him through the broken dreams and devastated emotions. God uses broken hearts to do great things. Maybe you’re more qualified now than you’ve ever been. (Click Here To Read My Post Called ‘He’s On Every Page of Your Story‘)

From the Bible

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. – Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. – Psalm 51:17 NIV

And blessed is the one who is not offended by me [Jesus]. – Matthew 11:6 ESV emphasis added