I believe friendship is one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity. A person with a good friend is rich beyond measure. However, in a world full of self-indulgence and the worship of personal preference it can be hard to find and foster good friendships. To be a good friend is truly antithetical to the current world order in the modern west. Is friendship reserved for those beautiful people with good connections and really white teeth? Are there just certain people that will have friends and certain ones that won’t and that is just the way it is? I guess it could be if that is the mindset you adopt but I want to take a few minutes as we begin this holiday season and share some thoughts on how to be the friend you’d like to have. Finding friends in a lonely world is certainly a challenge, but it is not impossible.
What do you want in a friend? While you think about that I will pose the more potent, revealing question which is, “do you want a friend?” I find that nearly everyone wants a good friend whether they allow themselves to admit it or not. It takes courage and vulnerability to admit we want something we don’t have. I would say that is the best foundation for becoming the friend you’d like to have; courage and vulnerability. Without courage and vulnerability you simply cannot have a good friend nor can you be one. You can attend a party, show up to church, or go with people to a sporting event, but you will be just as alone in that environment as you would be had you stayed at home if you do not operate in courage and vulnerability. In many ways, engaging in social gatherings only makes our loneliness worse when we lack courage and vulnerability because we feel we’ve made an effort to be friendly and yet still feel so alone. So what do we do? (Click to read my post No Breakthrough Without a Breaking)
You’ve Got A Friend In Me
If we can muster the courage to admit we truly want a good friend then we can begin the journey of finding friends in a lonely world and becoming the friend we wish we had. For me, a good friend is someone who takes a genuine interest in me, reaches out and lets me know the value I have in their life, is available to me in times of need and celebration, and is someone with whom I genuinely enjoy spending time. I’m sure there are other attributes but this is a good summary of what I hope for in friendship. You can go through life looking for people to fit your job description of a good friend (your list may be different than mine) by constantly grading people against your expectations but I would suggest that will only leave you lonely, jaded, and bitter. Few people will fit your job description right off-the-bat, and the very few that try hard enough to meet all your expectations likely have some codependency issues that will cause them to be more like minions than actual friends. That is not good for them or for you as it really has nothing to do with true friendship. The approach I am suggesting for finding friends in a lonely world is to turn the job description into your mission statement as it relates to friendship. What do I mean?
I grew up moving a lot and constantly had to start over in building relationships. It is exhausting work and I went through many season of wanting go give up. However, I found that when I served others by being the kind of person I would like to have as a friend I found more people who could be my friend. Not every person ticked every box but it sure was better than having no one at all. The other thing I discovered was the longer I nurtured theses relationships that met a few of the things I was looking for in friendship the more they become the kind of friends I was hoping to find in the first place. And this is the most important offering I have for you today from what I have discovered in friendship; friends are created more than they are found. Yes, it is entirely possible you will just bump into the greatest friend you ever have in life. If that happens just say “Praise God” and enjoy every minute of that blessing! However, more often than not, finding friends in a lonely world is better understood as serving others and helping them become what you most need in friendship than it is a treasure hunt for your best buddy. When you approach friendship this way with courage and vulnerability, you may find there are dozens of candidates around you every day that simply need you to be willing to invest in them in such a way that they become the very thing you could not find. This turns you into a better friend, as well. (Click to read my post I Was The New Kid)
Finding friends in a lonely world is truly a challenge but should actually never be the goal in the first place. The goal is to become the friend you wish you had by loving and serving others in a selfless, courageous and vulnerable way that empowers you to be what others need while they become what you need. This is what the Bible calls “iron sharpening iron.” You have so much to offer today… focus on that and leave the results in God’s hands. The more you serve others in this way, the more you will find the kind of friends you always wanted and the more you will become the friend others have been praying for, as well. (Click to read my post Loving Hearts Bleed)
From the Bible
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you… – John 15:13-16a ESV
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. – Proverbs 17:17 ESV
He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend. – Proverbs 22:11 ESV