We live in the sharing age. There is so much content being shared at such a dizzying pace. Culture has unleashed the power of sharing what is on our minds through unlimited channels of expression that can now be consumed all over the world, instantly! For all of this share power it is no wonder people are feeling more isolated, empty, and lonely than ever before. That may seem ironic at first glance but it makes perfect sense. The more ways we can share what is interesting to us and the more people with whom we can share it sets us up to feel ignored or dismissed by a massive amount of people. Everyone is sharing but is anybody listening? (Read my post “You Must Be Present To Win”)
Few things make us feel more cared about and valued than when someone takes the time to truly listen to what we have to say. Listening has always been a skill that requires effort and energy but never more than now. The sheer number of distractions we face in one day likely outnumbers what people faced in a week in ages past. Yes, some people are wired to be better listeners than others, but that is not to say some people can and others simply can not listen. Like any skill, whether there is natural ability or not, it can be improved with effort, attention, and instruction. Since we all can appreciate how powerful it is when someone takes the time to truly listen to us, shouldn’t we try to grow in this discipline so we can add value to others? I’m telling you, in this day and age, those who can listen well will be those who lead the way. (Read my post Posting Your Pearls Before Pigs)
Active Listening Takes Effort
Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People wrote, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” In many ways, that sums up the idea of active listening. If we are going to grow in our ability to listen to others well as to help them feel valued and appreciated we will have to first understand listening is not passive. We have all had the depressing experience of trying to talk to someone who is staring at their phone or the TV as they drool and bob their head up and down, releasing the amusing grunt of “uh-huh”. All the emotions that picture conjures up for you as you consider it are all the reasons we must practice active listening if we are going to help people feel valuable and actually interact with what is being shared with us. So, let me offer a few thoughts to help you become more active in your listening. (Read my post Do You Care Enough To Ask A Question?)
When Listening to Someone Don’t:
- Disengage – Stay focused on the person talking not your phone or other people in the room
- Reassure and Dismiss – Telling someone they are fine or “it’s ok” may seem kind but it simply tells them to quit talking to you as you are disinterested in what they are actually experiencing
- Interrupt or Give Advice – Neither is listening, and listening is the goal. You will prove to the other person you are not interested in them by jumping to what you think they should do. People are not a problem to solve so be careful not to treat them as such, even with a good intentions.
- Hijack the Conversation – Yes, you may have a similar story or have felt what this person is feeling but that is also not listening; that is making the conversation about you. Few things shut us down more than when someone takes over the conversation after they’ve asked us about ourselves.
When Practicing Active Listening You Should:
- Pay Attention & Stay Focused – Do whatever you need to do to stay engaged. That means you may have to ignore notifications (or better turn them off!) or other people pulling on your attention in the room so consider your environment before engaging active listening.
- Be Patient & Empathize – When someone is working through their thoughts and emotions they can’t always “spit it out”. You do well to help the person by drawing out what they are feeling by trying to feel what they are feeling and give them time to access the words. Kind, clarifying questions can help them, and you as you listen.
- Provide Feedback Without Judgement – Repeat back what you are hearing to clarify that you are understanding what they are telling you. Don’t do that with any attitude or “tone” but simply with a desire to let them know you are trying to hear them. This will help you stay focused as well.
- Respond Rather Than React – No matter how difficult the topic be careful not to overreact but simply do your best to let them know you have heard what they have said and express how that information has made you feel for their sake (not necessarily for your sake).
There is so much more to talk about as it relates to active listening and ways to help people feel valued but my goal is for each blog post of mine to be 1000 words or less so this will suffice as a start.
Your attention is valuable and you’re listening to someone’s heart with the desire to understand will communicate so much care and value. This week, make extra effort in listening to what is being shared and trust that as you do, God will send those to help you feel heard and valued as well. (Read my post “Paying Attention? You Pay With Your Attention”)
From the Bible:
The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. – Proverbs 20:5 ESV
Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. – James 1:19
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others too. – Philippians 2:3-4
Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions. – Proverbs 18:2